As many of you know, I have a dislike for the phrase ‘grown up’. When we bought a house and when people found out we were having a baby, the same thing kept coming up; ‘Ah, you’re a proper grown up now…’. No, actually. I’m an adult, but I don’t wish to be a grown up. That would indicate that I have to behave myself and lose my sense of fun.
It wasn’t until I saw this post by the wonderful XKCD.com a few years back that I would even entertain the phrase.
So what does my age and current situation mean to me?
It means I am comfortable with bumbling along. I have a child – I am now a mother. I have a silly sense of humour entertained by my brilliantly grounded friends. It means security without feeling tied up. Being able to combine sponteneity with family timetables. It also means, admittedly, that I’m no longer just thinking about my future, but that of Alex and Little L.
I had a moment today. One of those flashes where everything suddenly seems terribly important and, dare I say it, grown up.
I was holding Little L and looking out the window at the swan and her newly hatched today cygnets, enjoying the quiet time. I started thinking about the circle of life, moving alarmingly from the joy of birth and babies to the horrible truth of death. How at the age of 59 my mum was taken by Cancer, leaving me to cope with it all (but thankfully at an age old enough to sort myself out and with wonderfully strong people around me). How cruel that she would not get to live her life, do the things she wanted to do and see the things she wanted to see.
Immediately following this I had a realisation – I could not bear for anything to happen to me that would result in Little L not having her mum. The absolute terror that one day I could get Cancer or something else and be taken away from her.
I’ve been putting off having that regular lady test we all get every couple of years. I say ‘I’. It was more Little L’s influence. But after that lightening strike of a ponderation earlier, I think I’ll be making an appointment with the doctor soon. And making sure I’m exercising at least a bit. And taking my vitamins.
I now accept a bit of grown uppedness – taking care of myself so that I can take care of everyone else. How about you?