According to Google Analytics, someone came to my website last month using possibly the most amusing phrase ever as a search term. “how to touch a girls butt without her finding out while she is awaket”. Brilliant. Certainly tickled me. The answer is here for you kiddo: don’t. You’ll get the most amazing slap if you do.

And finally, I did say that I would make a hat to go with the washing-up themed pantomime dame dress below. That I did. Using baubles hotglued to a base and kept on with elastic, it’s meant to look like washing up bubbles. Unfortunately, given the rigorous nature of the dance routine involved, the hat had to be retired to the dressing room. Mind you, it still looked bloody good up to that point!

The only item bought in advance was a viking helmet to use as a base.

You will need:
Cardboard (I used the one the helmet came in)
Viking helmet
Black pen
Balloon
A4 card
Newspaper (I used the free ones, collected over a fortnight)
Sellotape
PVA glue (school glue) (We could only find it in Hobbycraft)
Strong adhesive
Kitchen roll

Step 1: Making shapes
For the shield, I found a cardboard box big enough and drew on a basic shield shape before cutting it out. At this stage it looked like a giant guitar pick.
For the helmet, I blew a balloon up bigger than Alex’s head, then sellotaped A4 paper around from the middle downwards to extend into a helmet shape. Note – you should use card as it’ll give it more strength!

The plain shield with built up edges and central piece

Step 2: Building up
For the shield, I twisted newspaper and taped it around the front edge of the template. I also used more scrunched paper to build up the middle area of the shield where the raised eye would be. Both areas were built up around an inch high from the base.
For the helmet, I used a mix of 1/3 PVA glue 2/3 water and pasted strips of newspaper all over the balloon and attached paper. I probably did around 4 layers before moving on to the next stage. It takes a long time, so be prepared to do this over several days to allow each layer to dry.

Step 3: More of the same
For the shield, I pasted newspaper all over the front. Once dried, I took some more cardboard and taped it on the back to make a handle, followed by – you guessed it – more newspaper pasting!
For the helmet, it was time for the embellishment at the top. I taped a larger, pointed scrunch on newspaper at the front, three rounded scrunches to form a cross behind it, then two smaller scrunches inbetween the left/rear and right/rear. I then took a piece of card cut in the same shape and taped this on top – I also used strong adhesive to help. Once settled, I pasted with newspaper.

Sticking the viking helmet (minus horns) inside the cropped popped balloon

Step 4: Shield 80% Helmet 60%
With the shape of the shield now complete, it was time for the final top layer – kitchen roll. I used the PVA mix from before and pasted this on to give a strong and single colour base on which to paint later.
The balloon still inside the helmet was burst. Make sure you have scissors on hand to quickly cut away from the sides of the helmet to avoid it collapsing in on itself. Having been cut down to a point where Alex could see his feet, I took the plastic viking helmet (minus horns) and glued it inside the paper helmet. This would ensure it sat comfortably on Alex’s head.

Step 5: Helmet 70%
At this point, the kitchen roll was still drying – while it’s stronger and a better base, it takes longer to set.
I glued the horns to either side of the helmet using sellotape to secure the position and to fill in the gaps, then papered it.

Before the paper…

…and after the paper

Step 6: Helmet 80%
I taped thick string (doubled up) around in the pattern seen on the original helmet, then kitchen rolled over this.

Lots of lovely string

Lots of lovely kitchen roll

Step 7: Finish
Finally, I painted the shield and helmet. No pics of the process due to mysteriously vanishing from my phone.
The shield was painted grey on both sides with a red iris on a white eye. The eye was outlined with black paint to make it stand out more.
The helmet was painted white/grey for the horns, black for the ‘top’ piece, brown for the main helmet and black for the front centre drop. Gold paint was used for the stringed areas. Do note I was guessing at the majority of the colours. I was going for it looking good rather than being completely accurate.
Alex used a pin to put several dozen holes in the front in patches to allow him to see. Visibility was still limited, but you couldn’t see any holes from the front at all.

The completed helmet!

And so, the finished product!

If you make your own Knightmare helmet or shield, do let me know. It’d be interesting to have a bit of a gallery!

Barbarella – Barbarella
Black Russian – Black Russian outfit
Black Widow – Black spider costume
Bloody Mary –Bloodied nativity costume with doll baby Jesus
Blue Hawaiian – Hawaiian outfit in blue
Bridesmaid Cooler – Bridesmaid wearing sunglasses
Chocolate Sailor – Sailor outfit with lots of chocolates
Cockney Champagne – Pearly King with a champagne badge
Eggnog – Noggin the Nog (Viking) with lots of Kinder Eggs or similar
Fallen Angel – Evil angel costume
Mai Tai – Wear a tie with the label ‘this tie is the property of [your name]’
Manhattan – Man with a hat on
Mexican Chocolate – Mexican with lots of chocolate
Naked Twister – Wear a Twister mat and little else
Pina Colada – wear a colander with attached penises
Shandy – Sandy from Grease but pissed
Shirley Temple – Shirley Temple
Strawberry Bandit -Typical burglar costume but in red with a green mask/hat
Strawberry Flapper – Flapper costume with attached strawberries
White Russian – White Russian outfit

In a few days, i.e. once the party has been and gone, I will publish one of those handy ‘costume idea’ lists including pictures for y’all. But until then, I’m remaining tight lipped. Half the fun of costume parties is the mystery of what everyone goes as, and I can’t be giving any clues away on here of course…

awakey
Yep, you found me. It’s a good little handle. I’ve had it for about 15 years now, so I’ve become quite attached to it, and it me.

sequin top hat and tails gold
You’re looking for Columbia stuff, right? There’s three things you can do.
i) Get a bog standard one-size-fits-all jobbie from the interwebs.
ii) Get a ‘Columbia In A Bag‘ – we like to see people have made the effort buy investing in a costume, but we like you more if you add to the costume, i.e. sew some proper ribbons on the shorts, reinforce the top etc.
iii) Get As If By Magic to make you one.

Columbia Rocky Horror pyjamas
Do yourself a favour – don’t go mad on trying to get film accurate ones. If they’re blue and white stripe, or even blue and white in some sort of basic pattern, it’s absolutely fine! Besides, no-one will even notice once your nipple’s popped out.

Rocky Horror costume guide
You’re looking for one of two things.
Either Ruth’s Anal Retentive Costume List, or the Student’s Guide to Rocky Horror Costumes. The latter, I created back when I was at university. Shamefully, not updated much past the girls, but the basic ideas of how to whip together your own costumes are there.

Vyvyan Young Ones
It continually entertains me that this search term brings people to my site regularly. This site has summed up the components of the outfit marvellously, but don’t forget the stars!

And the award for Most Random Keyword for June is…
9 1/2 toes

Ashes to Ashes – Gene Hunt, Alex Drake
Doctor Who – any of the Doctors, Ace, Rose, Martha, Cyberman, Dalek, Captain Jack
Family Guy – Peter, Lois, Chris, Meg, Stewie, Brian, Quagmire, Cleveland and all the rest
Firefly – Captain Mal, Zoe, Wash, Inara, Jayne, Kaylee, Simon, River, Shepherd
Futurama – Fry, Leela, Bender, Hermes, Dr Zoidberg, the Professor, Amy, Zapp Branigan
Life on Mars – Gene Hunt, Sam Tyler
Red Dwarf – Lister, Arnold Rimmer, Ace Rimmer, Kryten, Cat, Dwayne Dibley, Kochanski, Mr Flibble, Holly
The Simpsons – Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, Flanders, Nelson and all the rest
South Park – Cartman, Kenny, Kyle, Stan and the rest
Top Gear – if you can go as all three (plus the Stig) you’re on to a winner *new*

All Bar One – paint every number over your top over and over again, except the number 1
Anchor
Bat and Ball
The Black Cap
The Blind Beggar – host to 10,000 London cabbies, all seemingly present at the Kray shoot out.
Boathouse
Bricklayer’s Arms – brickie
The Bright Star
The Butcher
The Castle
Cat and Fiddle
Charlie Brown’s
The Chequers – black and white dress
Cock and Bull – oh, behave.
The Compasses
Cricketers
Cross Keys
The Crown – Beefeater
The Devil’s Punchbowl
Dirty Dick’s – Dick Turpin
Dog and Bear
Dog and Duck
The English Rose
The Fisherman’s Arms
Flame – gay pub in Luton
The Fox
Fox and Hounds
George and the Dragon – think Saint George in his knight phase
The Globe
The Grapes
Green Man – meant to be a spirit of the woods; with modernisation, now the Green Giant who sells sweetcorn
The Halfway House
The Highwayman – Dick Turpin
Hog’s Head
Hope and Anchor
The Horseshoe
Hungry Horse
The Jolly Sailor
King’s Arms/Head – choose a king
Leaky Cauldron
Lord Nelson
Man in the Moon – think the Mighty Boosh
Nag’s Head
The Phoenix
Pig and Whistle
Pink Punters
Prince of Wales
The Queen Vic – Queen Victoria
Queen’s Arms/Head – choose a queen
The Railway Tavern
Red Dragon
Red Lion
Robin Hood
Rose and Crown
Sherlock Holmes – the famous detective
Slug and Lettuce
The Smugglers
Three Broomsticks
Three Tuns
Unicorn
White Bear
White Hart
White Horse
White Lion
The Winchester – go as Shaun of the Dead
The Woolpack – sheep

The Jackie O costume is a godsend – pretty good on colour and shape and with a high neck – golddust! All it takes is a gingham collar and belt, white buttons and a bit of white trim, and it’ll look perfect with a white cardigan over the top. Who wants bulky arms under a cardi anyway?
Always available on Ebay for cheaper than the stores (watch our for p&p), this is a great solution. You should be able to do the entire outfit for ?30.

I may not maintain the Student’s Guide to Rocky Horror Costumes anymore, but I still keep my eye out for bargains!

Adam Ant – stand and deliver!
Alf (US link) – I have no idea how you’d do this, but I’d be impressed.
Back to the Future – will you be Marty McFly or Doc Brown?
Bananaman from Acacia Avenue.
Basil Fawlty offering the back of his hand to Manwell.
BBC Test Card – blonde wig, chalkboard and freakish cuddly toy.
Beetlejuice who says an alarming number of naughty things.
Blues Brothers – you’ll notice that some of the best and most iconic films were made in the 80s.
Boy George (Culture Club) with braids and every colour of the rainbow.
Breakdancer – don’t forget your bling and practice your moves.
Care Bears – with the Care Bear stare.
Carrie – white dress, red colourant, ace costume.
Charlie’s Angels because it grants the best team pose.
Cocktail – black logo tee and shaker. Everyone’s friend at a party.
Dangermouse with his faithful companion Penfold.
Darth Vader/Princess Leia/Luke Skywalker et al from the Empire Strikes Back.
Debbie Harry (Blondie) with the big blonde hair and dark roots.
Dirty Dancing – don’t spend the whole night in the corner.
Doctor Who was Tom Baker in the 80s. Big hair and big scarf.
Edward Scissorhands although perhaps not in a confined space.
ET – remember to phone for a cab at the end of the night, not just home.
Flashdance – in dance outfit or in overalls, just leave the water at home.
Fonzie from Happy Days. Eehhhhhhhh!
Frank Spencer – keep referring to Betty in your flasherjacket.
Frankie Goes to Hollywood – hey – relax!
Freddy Krueger from Nightmare on Elm Street.
Ghostbusters – because it must be in as many of my lists as possible.
Gizmo/Gremlin – I will love you forever if you do this costume.
Grotbags – the greenest witch pre-Elphaba.
He-Man compelte with sword. Could even have a fight with Skeletor.
Indiana Jones – a whip can be very handy you know.
James Bond is the costume for every decade.
Jason Vorhees – the one with the hockey mask from Friday 13th.
Jessica Rabbit from ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit’
Knightmare – with an oversize horned helmet.
Labyrinth – but only if you play with your glass balls.
Madness – bonus points if you do the walk.
Madonna all in white with lace and bows. Remember your beauty spot!
Magnum PI – genius excuse for a massive moustache.
Mermaid from ‘Splash’
Miama Vice with a white suit and coloured tee, remember to roll up your sleeves.
Michael Jackson with his silver glove, white socks and loafers, team with black leather jacket for a ‘Bad’ look or a red leather jacket to give a ‘thrill’.
Mork from Ork in his red lycra suit with shiny triangle.
Mr T or indeed anyone from the A Team.
Olivia Newton John from the ‘Let’s Get Physical’ video – legwarmers, headbands and lycra agogo.
Orville the Duck with the man attached.
Ozzy Osbourne as the Prince of Darkness always lights up a party.
Pob – no spitting please.
Prince all in purple with a bit of stubble for ‘Purple Rain’
Prom night – consider your taffeta gown, your corsage and your perm.
Punk was all the rage. Think black leather mixed with denim and bright hair. Love your lipstick.
Queen in a group of four, each wear a black top and choose a member of Queen to dress the head as. When questioned on who you are, run into a group? with your heads in the right place and start singing.
Rainbow – such choice in puppetry!
Rainbow Brite – shiny fabrics ahoy!
Ralph Macchio (the Karate Kid) in your white uniform, head tie and a bit of wax on, wax off.
Red Dwarf with a H head, robot face, Cat clothes or boiler suit, you’re set. Or just a black rollneck.
Robert Smith (The Cure) – black black black, with a smidgeon (or smudge) of red lipstick.
Rod Hull & Emu available from all good retail outlets.
Rocky – ADRIAAAAAAAAAN!!!
Roland Rat – Alright ratbags!
Rubix Cube – it’s amazing what you can do with a cardboard box.
Scarface – white suit, water pistol and scar.
She-Ra – Brilliant chance to wear a cape.
Smurfs and of course, Smurfette
Spit the Dog worthy of his own entry.
Superman – see, that stag night costume *can* be worn again.
Superted with his friend, Spotty.
The Breakfast Club if you can blag a gang of you to go, this would be mega fantastic.
The Incredible Hulk – green it up!
The Young Ones – choose from Neil, Vyvyan, Rick or Mike.???? ***new***
Thundercats because everyone fancied Cheetara as a boy.
Tiswas – Are you OOOOkaaaaay, the Phantom Flan Flinger, or HoudiElbow?
Toni Basil in a cheerleader outfit from ‘Hey Mickey’.
Top Gun with a jumpsuit and helmet. Don’t forget the shades.
Toyah Wilcox because we love her. Colour, glam and attitude!
Transformers – hey, people are really inventive with cardboard!
V – get with the lizard face!
Weird Science – jumpers + bras on heads. Pazzaz.
Wham – choose life, and a quiff!
Willo the Wisp with Mavis Cruet the Fairy.
Withnail gives you the golden opportunity to demand booze.
Wonder Woman – the tv heroine of the 80s.
Worzel Gummidge – don’t forget the robin inside your tummy. And Aunt Sally.
WWF – not the animal one, the wrestling one. Spandex, masks, and the occasional snake in a bag.
Yuppie – with the introduction of mobile phones the size of a large brick, another sleeve roller. Remember the hair slick.
Zombie from ‘Day of the Dead’