I digress.

They had a section about wedding toppers which led me to this site, That’s My Face. A brilliant idea. Action figures but with your face. And then they demonstrated their other products. Life like masks. Sounds okay. But then they suggest they will make a great gift.

If I received this as a gift, I would freak the hell out thinking someone had sent me the head of a child in a box.

Really, people? Really?

In light of this, I thought I’d share a little fun with you all. Thanks to Andrew Wooding and Scott McLean P, I have been pointed towards this absolute gem of a site, “Ross Kemp Folded“. It’s the website you never knew that you needed.

People have taken the time to source pictures of Ross Kemp and fold them, with hilarious consequences. So have a nosy (as he’s mainly lost his) and enjoy while I continue to run around like a headless chicken in Cinderella II.

I’ve caught myself in a right old mope. So here’s my anti-moping* action plan.

Issue: Weight Gain
I’m not doing Slimming World. Alex is. I’m doing it by proxy, in that I’m eating everything he is but having something different if it’s easier, especially with getting to rehearsals/the show on time. According to our scales, I put on 3.3kg in the past week. That’s 7lbs. That’s half a stone. That’s ridiculous. I wasn’t looking to lose any weight, but I definitely didn’t expect to put any on.
Action: SUPU
That’s “Shut Up and Put Up” for now. There’s not much I can do for the next fortnight while the show is on. At least if I’m eating three meals a day, the work out of nightly dance routines should put the extra weight gain to bed. In the meantime, I can continue to walk with Lara each day.

Issue: Knackered Knees
Before Christmas, I was suffering with Bursitis around my hip joints. In the past week, my knees have started to crunch. It feels like the bones slice into each other within my knee joint, if that makes any sense. It mainly happens when my legs are straight, but also in the dances for the show.
Action: Osteopath and change of gait
Alan, my osteopath at Joint Solutions, is brilliant. In the past, he’s had me go from being doubled over in pain to being able to perform a whole show in a day. So, a trip to Bletchley is in order. In the meantime, I will do a slightly Steptoesque walk with my knees slightly bent.

Issue: Tiredness
I don’t know if it’s because I’m a new(ish)mum and therefore spend my day chasing after a wee babe, but this show is really taking it out of me. I dropped a rehearsal last week as I felt tired enough that I would likely crash on the way home (it’s a 35 min drive away). It’ll all ease off once the show is over, but for now, I am cream crackered.
Action: More sleep
Alex is already very tolerant of me getting home and falling into bed within ten minutes. Perhaps  need to nap when Lara naps too. Add to that my B12 jab next week (okay, a week late, but it’s on the way at least) and I should have a little more zip about me by the end of the month.

What are your solvable gripes at the moment?

*I ummed and erred over this spelling. On the basis that the action of using a mop is ‘mopping’, I felt happiest with the ‘moping’ spelling. Yes, these are the things that would otherwise keep me up at night.

Admittedly, it seems to be their First Aid unit rather than general security, but can you imagine the chase when a thug steals a scooter from the toy shop?

Apparently, young babies (0-3 months) share a language. Five words or noises specifically. I plead that you watch this video. It’s brilliant.

Click here for the video.
(I’m not clever enough to embed it.)

In short, nah = hungry, howh = sleepy, heh = discomfort, eair = lower gas, eh = burp.

Brilliant.

Thanks to Sarah Giles for pointing this out.

Last night we had spinach and mushroom cannelloni which allegedly takes an hour to prepare and cook. I started at 5.15pm and we at at 7.15pm. It tasted brilliant, but was a bit too much for me to be playing around with at the end of the day. I think I’ll need to prep it all in the middle of the day next time, give me a bit more time to breathe (and feed/bathe daughter, tidy for visiting photographers).

It was carnage in the kitchen by the time I’d got it all in the dishes. Slimmers World suggests that you pipe the spinach/mushroom mixture in or use a teaspoon. Sod that – get stuck in and use your fingers. It’s the only way to get it all done in less than two hours.

The finished product was lush. The highest aspiration I have is that my food be like a Marks and Spencer ready meal, and this wasn’t far off. We also have plenty left for another day – the recipe is for four, but we easily got six portions out of this and I still had some broken Cannelloni and mixture leftover.

Day two wasn’t quite as successful as day one, but it did represent a return to the workplace for Alex so there were always going to be issues.

Breakfast was porridge. Not my favourite, which is why it was a good job Alex was eating it and not me.

Lunch was planned to be beans on toast. However, for health and safety reasons, toasters have been banned from Alex’s workplace. Beans on bread doesn’t have quite the same feel to it, but hey ho. It’s an easy option so he’ll be having that for work lunches from now on. This leaves me with a fridge chock full of salad to be used up. Somehow I feel Alex is getting the better end of the diet at the moment.

I ran out of time to do dinne before leaving for rehearsals, so left Alex to fend for himself in the kitchen. We had everything in for the Chilli Beef Noodles but, as I understand it, he left it cooking a little too long. It probably tastes better when it’s not burned…

You should know at this point that I dislike cooking. I don’t hate it, but there is a definite resentment at the amount of time it takes to grate an onion, chop veg, measure out spices etc. You should know also that whenever I’m preparing dinner I’m also feeding my nine month daughter whilst aiming to be out of the door as soon as Alex arrives home in order to make it rehearsals 20 minutes late. This means that these meals had better bloody be worth it, or I’m going back to sticking something in the oven for 40 minutes.

I thought it might be valid to have a real world look at someone on Slimmers World, so here it is.

Day one.

Breakfast was brilliant. Giant fry up. Lovely and took me through to well past lunchtime hunger wise.

For lunch we nipped over the marina to the Carvery. Nomilicious. Alex found he could eat pretty much everything on offer but needed to check Syns of a few things when we got back.

For dinner, I made meatballs and spaghetti. We used wholemeal spaghetti – I bought pretty much wholemeal everything in the last shop as it’s meant to be better for you, Syns or no Syns. You know what? Wholemeal spaghetti tastes fine, don’t fret it. It was a bit of a pain prepping and cooking everything simultaneously, but it came out pretty good. I whacked a salad on the side so my portions didn’t seem too small. I’m impressed at how good it tastes. I made enough to put two portions aside to ‘ding’ another day, so not a bad start.

Everyone else has been rehearsing for this since September/October 2011. Me? I joined in a week before Christmas and have had three rehearsals. I have an entire show to learn in two weeks. Two weeks. I’m in the chorus, which means I’m in nearly every scene as a different character. You’d think the principals have the hardest job – when it comes to adult panto, not so much.  So good luck to the director, musical director and choreographers as they certainly have their work cut out for them.

Will I manage to learn the entire thing in a fortnight? Come and find out. You can either cheer at my achievement or laugh as I wander aimlessly around the stage with little knowledge of where I’m meant to be or what I’m meant to be doing. It’s a cheap night out!

According to Google Analytics, someone came to my website last month using possibly the most amusing phrase ever as a search term. “how to touch a girls butt without her finding out while she is awaket”. Brilliant. Certainly tickled me. The answer is here for you kiddo: don’t. You’ll get the most amazing slap if you do.

And finally, I did say that I would make a hat to go with the washing-up themed pantomime dame dress below. That I did. Using baubles hotglued to a base and kept on with elastic, it’s meant to look like washing up bubbles. Unfortunately, given the rigorous nature of the dance routine involved, the hat had to be retired to the dressing room. Mind you, it still looked bloody good up to that point!